“Blackbeard” – very likely one of the worst movies ever made
… “Troy” aside. And that one at least gave us Bloomsy in a skirt.
This… thingy was shown on television yesterday. It’s a TV movie. It features Richard Chamberlain. If you take a swig of rum (or, in my case, gin) for every historical blunder in it, you’ll be rat-arsed after five minutes.
Blackbeard is a pirate (big news), the heroine is a doctor, the golden locks of Lieutenant Maynard are crowned by a bicorne, the navy wears post 1800 uniforms, officers don’t shave and it all takes place in 1717. Richard in his nifty morning gown is NOT amused!
“In the Golden Age of Piracy, at the dawn of the 18th century, Blackbeard stood out among the lawless rogues as the most fearsome and notorious seafarer of them all. He killed for the reputation, and his reputation has become legend. Now, for the first time, comes the true story of pirate Edward Teach, the man who terrorized the seas. ”
Only, it’s not “Blackbeard’s true story”. It’s not even “Blackbeard’s almost true story” – it’s the filmed version of a really bad POTC het-fanfic, featuring a Mary-Sue and torturing the audience with cheesy acting and bad make-up.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t insist in popcorn flicks being historically accurate, as long as they are entertaining. I wouldn’t enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean, otherwise. But this here? It’s bad, it’s boring. Watching the weather report on a sunny day is more entertaining. OK, in all fairness, I didn’t manage to watch the whole thing. Because I got a headache from hitting my head on the backrest of my sofa so many times. So I might have missed a brilliant second half and “Blackbeard” is actually a milestone in movie-making. However, I doubt it.
The movie was shown for the first time in 2006, so I guess it was an attempt at cashing in on the POTC boom. A bad attempt. It would have been more fun if they’d featured finger-puppets in place of actors.
That’s about all I have to say about it; have some pictures now!
“I’m a captain. You can tell by my frown and… hm… because of my hat. Nice one, isn’t it? Come on, it’s still better than the ones worn by my men. Also, I don’t have a beard. Not that anybody else would have worn a beard aboard a ship of the RN, but those guys there all fanboy James Norrington. Bastards.”
“I’m Lieutenant Maynard, the romantic hero. I’m working under cover here as a privateer – pirate – whatever, and you know I’m the romantic hero because I have blue eyes and blond locks and I look neat even if I’m dirty. It’s a pity you can’t see my uniform, they gave me a nice set of shoulders there, very 1982!”
“I’m Mary-Sue Charlotte, like, the feisty red-head with curves in all the right places and a, like, really rich daddy. I’m fierce! I’m a doctor, like, totally ok for a chick in 1717. I’m dating this cool officer-dude, which is, like, cool!”
For further entertainment, I recommend the following links. Beware, not for the faint at heart!