“Blackbeard” – very likely one of the worst movies ever made

24 March, 2008 at 12:29 am 2 comments

… “Troy” aside. And that one at least gave us Bloomsy in a skirt.

This… thingy was shown on television yesterday. It’s a TV movie. It features Richard Chamberlain. If you take a swig of rum (or, in my case, gin) for every historical blunder in it, you’ll be rat-arsed after five minutes.

Blackbeard is a pirate (big news), the heroine is a doctor, the golden locks of Lieutenant Maynard are crowned by a bicorne, the navy wears post 1800 uniforms, officers don’t shave and it all takes place in 1717. Richard in his nifty morning gown is NOT amused!

blackbeard

“In the Golden Age of Piracy, at the dawn of the 18th century, Blackbeard stood out among the lawless rogues as the most fearsome and notorious seafarer of them all. He killed for the reputation, and his reputation has become legend. Now, for the first time, comes the true story of pirate Edward Teach, the man who terrorized the seas.

Only, it’s not “Blackbeard’s true story”. It’s not even “Blackbeard’s almost true story” – it’s the filmed version of a really bad POTC het-fanfic, featuring a Mary-Sue and torturing the audience with cheesy acting and bad make-up.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t insist in popcorn flicks being historically accurate, as long as they are entertaining. I wouldn’t enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean, otherwise. But this here? It’s bad, it’s boring. Watching the weather report on a sunny day is more entertaining. OK, in all fairness, I didn’t manage to watch the whole thing. Because I got a headache from hitting my head on the backrest of my sofa so many times. So I might have missed a brilliant second half and “Blackbeard” is actually a milestone in movie-making. However, I doubt it.

The movie was shown for the first time in 2006, so I guess it was an attempt at cashing in on the POTC boom. A bad attempt. It would have been more fun if they’d featured finger-puppets in place of actors.

That’s about all I have to say about it; have some pictures now!

“Hello, I’m a lieutenant of the Royal Navy, and I completely ignore the fact that this is 1717, because I like my bicorne! Also, I hate cravats. Nyah!”
blackbeard

“Now look, we’re operating on a budget here, so our midshipmen have to double-serve as marines. And they prefer tricornes. Fashion peasants.”
blackbeard

“I’m a captain. You can tell by my frown and… hm… because of my hat. Nice one, isn’t it? Come on, it’s still better than the ones worn by my men. Also, I don’t have a beard. Not that anybody else would have worn a beard aboard a ship of the RN, but those guys there all fanboy James Norrington. Bastards.”
blackbeard04.jpg

“I’m Lieutenant Maynard, the romantic hero. I’m working under cover here as a privateer – pirate – whatever, and you know I’m the romantic hero because I have blue eyes and blond locks and I look neat even if I’m dirty. It’s a pity you can’t see my uniform, they gave me a nice set of shoulders there, very 1982!”
blackbeard

“I’m Mary-Sue Charlotte, like, the feisty red-head with curves in all the right places and a, like, really rich daddy. I’m fierce! I’m a doctor, like, totally ok for a chick in 1717. I’m dating this cool officer-dude, which is, like, cool!”
blackbeard

“Dude, so uncool how they treat chicks around here. So I got myself a rifle – gun – musket – whateverthingy and showed them, like, totally!”
blackbeard

“What? Blackbeard? I thought I signed for an episode of Little House on the Prairie?!”
blackbeard

“Help! Help! I’m surrounded by bearded navy-personel!”
blackbeard

“She complains about the lack of front-flap on the lieutenant’s breeches, Sir.”
blackbeard

“I’m Blackbeard. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I appear in this movie. But they held my mother hostage and I have to pay my bills.”
blackbeard

For further entertainment, I recommend the following links. Beware, not for the faint at heart!

The Official Website (no, really, this thing has an official website!)

Watch the trailer and have fun counting all scenes they’ve pilfered from POTC – and that includes the soundtrack!

More pictures here

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Entry filed under: movies, random, royal navy. Tags: , , .

Resource: Fashion Follies in 1796 Resource: Never ride an attack without your French Riding Coat!

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. F  |  12 April, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    The movie may not have been historically accurate, very few are, but it was’t THAT bad. I liked it better than the pirates of the caribbean and the sequels, espeically better than the sequels.

    Reply
  • 2. johnny  |  4 February, 2012 at 5:00 am

    i loved the movie its one of my favourite

    Reply

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