Archive for January, 2013

Meet Mark Darcy, Fitzwilliam’s lesser known Brother

He’s so little known even Jane Austen’s never heard of him! But never mind, as long as the littereery geniasses working for the Daily Fail know him…

markdarcy

markdarcy3

The more you know!

( Source )

markdarcy2

10 January, 2013 at 10:20 pm 6 comments

St. Osram versus St. Hilarius: The Fight over the Eternal Light has ended

Come one, come all, come in, and welcoooooooooooome to the final fight for the title of Eternal Lightweight Champion 2013!

In the left corner, we have the contender:

St. Osram, Patron Saint of light-emitting Diodes!

Lithe and wiry, this much-celebrated figure of spiritual enlightment knows how to place a punch. He’s bursting with confidence, declaring in a recent interview that he was born to be the LEDer of the spiritual boxing world, and that he’s already made plans on how to spend the purse of £ 950.

And now there’s rattling applause for the man, the king, the champion in the right corner,

St. Hilarius, Bishop of Poitièrs!

Known for his hymn-writing as well as his public discussions, this saint is not to be trifled with! He’s held the title of Eternal Lightweight Champion for 655 consecutive years, and many say that St. Osram doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to win this fight.

But enough with the talking, it’s starting!

Ah, what a sight…

… just look at St. Osram’s footwork, it looks like he’s dancing!

Careful now, St. Hilarius! Now that was a fine hook by St. Osram…

…jab jab jab… cross… what a combination!

But… wow!

That was a completely unexpectedd straight hook, and now he’s out cold!

Was that it? After only a few seconds? Looks like.

Referee Judge starts counting… will he make it?

Even saints have their limits…

dc1

…. 10 …
… 9 …
… 8 ….
… 7 …
… 6 …
… 5 …
… 4 …
… 3 …
… 2 …
… 1 1/2…
… 1 …

OUT!

Ladies and gentlemen, the new Eternal Lightweight Champion is

ST. OSRAM!

The crowd goes wild, some fans are fainting! I wish you could see these triumphant scenes!

While the new champion is celebrated by his team, the members of the consistory of the St. Hilarius church in Näfels have fainted. I wonder whether that’s due to the devastating defeat of their champion or because the referee just informed them that they’ll have to pay £ 6’000 in legal fees and compensation? But no need to worry, I see that their lawyer is approaching with sel volatile to revive their spirits.

Ah, I just hear our reporter is having some interviewees… over to you, John!

“Test… test… are we on air? Yes? Good. Well, I’m standing here with St. Hilarius, who lost after a short, but dedicated fight. St. Hilarius – what was this fight really about?”

“Uhm… it was never about the money, you know, but about traditions. Traditions are important.”

“If it wasn’t about the money, why did your management turn down all volunteers who offered to spring in? Including your own bishop?”

“What bishop? I’m the bishop! I’m the biggest! I’m the greatest! I’m the-“

“Ahem, yes, thank you for your time.”

Selected comments of the public on this fight:

“I’d demand a payback of all the fees paid through the years! With interest!”
“Do you still have the receipts?”

“This farmer sold his soul for £ 950 silverlings.”
“Yeah, what an idiot. He should have tried on ebay.”

“A contract is a contract, even if it’s 650 years old. The farmer should have been made to pay.”
“The lawyers of the House of Habsburg just called. They demand compensation for their fallen kinsmen in the battle of Sempach back in 1386.”

dc2

The consistory of the church has accepted the judge’s decision. The farmer is happy, traditionalists are disappointed, the judgement, for once, was just. The Eternal Light will shine on, sponsored by a number of volunteers. However, we shouldn’t forget that this story began with a murderer and his victim. I can’t help but wonder if a prayer for their souls wouldn’t be more in the spirit of the whole thing than going to court or buying bottles of lamp oil. But hey, what do I know. I use oil only for salad.

9 January, 2013 at 12:22 am Leave a comment

Update on the Strange Case of the Land Owner who Refuses to pay the Church for a Murder back in 1357

The strange tale of a church in Switzerland demanding that a farmer is paying for a murder which happened in 1357 (1357. 1357!) was one of your favourite stories last year. You’ll be pleased to hear there is an update – the plot thickens, my friends!

A short summary: in 1357 (1357. 1357!) one Konrad Müller allegedly murdered one Heinrich Stucki. To avoid being executed for this crime, he promised to provide the Eternal Light of the aptly named St. Hilarius church in Näfels for all eternity with oil from his walnut trees.

655 (655. 655!) years later, the trees have long gone, and the current farmer refuses to pay about £ 950 for 20 years of Eternal Light Maintenance. Alas the church insists that the current owner of Müller’s land has to pay. While any person with some common sense and decency would think this to be a no-brainer, it’s serious business for the church, and they announced that they’ll take the farmer to court.

But now it looks like Konrad Müller wasn’t a murderer in the first place!

— Theme from Twilight Zone —

Just like in the story of Cain and Abel, old papers talk of a man called Tschudi murdering his brother to claim their father’s land.

tschudibrothers

Was it fratricide then?

Did Heinrich Stucki live happily ever after and somebody else was murdered?

Are the grumpy ghosts of the Tschudi brothers haunting the church of Näfels?

Or wasn’t there a murder case in the first place?

Saint Osram weeps!

And so did the Bishop of Chur Vitus Huonder, we may assume. He’s responsible for the Näfels sheep of his flock, and offered to pay the bill himself to settle the case peacefully. That came as a surprise, as Bishop Huonder was stuck in 1357, mentally. But be that as it may, neither the president of the church commission nor its lawyer deemed their bishop worthy of a reply. They also refused an offer by the farmer’s neighbour to transfer the “duty” to his own land, and even the judge was ignored when he asked for some common sense.

The church wants its blood money, period.

The court decision is expected any day now. In my opinion, we need neither lawyers nor bishops here, though. We need Sherlock Holmes.

sherlock_eternal

 

6 January, 2013 at 1:57 am 1 comment


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