St. Osram versus St. Hilarius: The Fight over the Eternal Light has ended

9 January, 2013 at 12:22 am Leave a comment

Come one, come all, come in, and welcoooooooooooome to the final fight for the title of Eternal Lightweight Champion 2013!

In the left corner, we have the contender:

St. Osram, Patron Saint of light-emitting Diodes!

Lithe and wiry, this much-celebrated figure of spiritual enlightment knows how to place a punch. He’s bursting with confidence, declaring in a recent interview that he was born to be the LEDer of the spiritual boxing world, and that he’s already made plans on how to spend the purse of £ 950.

And now there’s rattling applause for the man, the king, the champion in the right corner,

St. Hilarius, Bishop of Poitièrs!

Known for his hymn-writing as well as his public discussions, this saint is not to be trifled with! He’s held the title of Eternal Lightweight Champion for 655 consecutive years, and many say that St. Osram doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to win this fight.

But enough with the talking, it’s starting!

Ah, what a sight…

… just look at St. Osram’s footwork, it looks like he’s dancing!

Careful now, St. Hilarius! Now that was a fine hook by St. Osram…

…jab jab jab… cross… what a combination!

But… wow!

That was a completely unexpectedd straight hook, and now he’s out cold!

Was that it? After only a few seconds? Looks like.

Referee Judge starts counting… will he make it?

Even saints have their limits…

dc1

…. 10 …
… 9 …
… 8 ….
… 7 …
… 6 …
… 5 …
… 4 …
… 3 …
… 2 …
… 1 1/2…
… 1 …

OUT!

Ladies and gentlemen, the new Eternal Lightweight Champion is

ST. OSRAM!

The crowd goes wild, some fans are fainting! I wish you could see these triumphant scenes!

While the new champion is celebrated by his team, the members of the consistory of the St. Hilarius church in Näfels have fainted. I wonder whether that’s due to the devastating defeat of their champion or because the referee just informed them that they’ll have to pay £ 6’000 in legal fees and compensation? But no need to worry, I see that their lawyer is approaching with sel volatile to revive their spirits.

Ah, I just hear our reporter is having some interviewees… over to you, John!

“Test… test… are we on air? Yes? Good. Well, I’m standing here with St. Hilarius, who lost after a short, but dedicated fight. St. Hilarius – what was this fight really about?”

“Uhm… it was never about the money, you know, but about traditions. Traditions are important.”

“If it wasn’t about the money, why did your management turn down all volunteers who offered to spring in? Including your own bishop?”

“What bishop? I’m the bishop! I’m the biggest! I’m the greatest! I’m the-“

“Ahem, yes, thank you for your time.”

Selected comments of the public on this fight:

“I’d demand a payback of all the fees paid through the years! With interest!”
“Do you still have the receipts?”

“This farmer sold his soul for £ 950 silverlings.”
“Yeah, what an idiot. He should have tried on ebay.”

“A contract is a contract, even if it’s 650 years old. The farmer should have been made to pay.”
“The lawyers of the House of Habsburg just called. They demand compensation for their fallen kinsmen in the battle of Sempach back in 1386.”

dc2

The consistory of the church has accepted the judge’s decision. The farmer is happy, traditionalists are disappointed, the judgement, for once, was just. The Eternal Light will shine on, sponsored by a number of volunteers. However, we shouldn’t forget that this story began with a murderer and his victim. I can’t help but wonder if a prayer for their souls wouldn’t be more in the spirit of the whole thing than going to court or buying bottles of lamp oil. But hey, what do I know. I use oil only for salad.

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Entry filed under: news, random, resource. Tags: , , .

Update on the Strange Case of the Land Owner who Refuses to pay the Church for a Murder back in 1357 Meet Mark Darcy, Fitzwilliam’s lesser known Brother

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